I sit here tonight in shock. My older brother that lives with my father called and told me that he is in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. I feel so helpless and alone. I am sure that I am not the only one going through this tonight. I am sure that all over the world there are thousands of people feeling the very same emotions that I am. The fear, the regret, the helplessness that come when a parent falls ill. But I am not thinking of those other people and their grief. I am being selfish and child like, I want my father to get better now. I want every doctor in the world to fly here and help him. I want to stomp and get my way, even though that never worked those many years ago.
Although my father and I have not been as close as we could have been, when something like this happens you look back over your life and see all the times that you could have done something differently. The fights that seemed so important at the time, now seem silly. You start to question how good of a son/daughter you have been for that person. Did I really hate him when I was 16 because he wouldn’t let me use the car??
The not knowing and the physical distance is hard to deal with. I am a two-day drive or a 1000 dollar plane ticket away from him. I can’t rush to the hospital and see how he is. I can’t sit in the room or pace in the hall way. I can’t do any of the things that I had imagined I would do in this situation. I can’t wait for the doctor to deliver the good news that he will be ok. We won’t hug and cry together. I feel left out of the grieving process…
What will happen when they come to give the bad news? I have to think of that possibility. Being the realist that I am, I have to prepare myself for the worst. I have to wonder what I will do if he doesn’t make it. Will I be stoic, and hold my emotions in? Will I break down and cry for hours? Will I be in shock and just sit here? Will I blog to you, my readers, about the tragedy of my fathers passing?
As with all things that happen to you, this brings home to me my own mortality. What would my wife do if I were to get ill? What would happen if I were to pass? Would someone sit at their computer and pour out their heart? Hoping that someone will be able to feel the things that they write. Will people miss me??