Waiting for the Ax to fall
Today is the day that I will know if my father lives or dies. What a statement, to know that today is the day that I will either be elated that my father has the opportunity to continue his existence, or be in the depths of depression that he has died. I really don’t know how to react to that.
Today is all about confusion. I am confused by my turmoil of emotions, no matter how hard I have tried to prepare, no matter how long I have meditated, I still am no closer to peace with this event. I sit and wonder if I will ever be at peace with this event, or if it is just the waiting that is driving me crazy. I am tempted to call my brother every 10 minutes for an update, but I don’t want to drive him crazy either.
The one sibling that I feel for the most is my brother Randy. He and dad lived in the same town for almost 18 years together. They never lived more than a few miles apart and for the last 5 or 6 years lived no more than 20 yards from each other. My father was/is his best friend. I didn’t really grasp that until the other day when Randy and I were talking about today. He had a choke in his voice and I suddenly realized that he was hurting more than the rest of us. With all his bravado and all his gruff exterior, my brother is a kind and compassionate person who will mourn my father more than the rest of us. Not only is he losing a father, he is losing his best and closest friend. I can only pray that the rest of us can somehow help to fill the void that will be there for him… Brother if you read this, I love you and will be here for you should you need a friend to talk to.
More news when it is available
I will post later today when I know something. In some strange and weird way this has been a great way for me to come to terms with what is going on. By putting my thoughts down in this blog it has helped me to come to grips with what is happening. God bless you all for your kind words and thoughts