I am having a little trouble with grief…
What a way to start a conversation. When I lost my father on Monday, I was devastated, on Tuesday and Wednesday I started to come to grips with my new reality. Thursday was a good day, I really started to process my feelings and try to move past my pain.
THEN WHAM… it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am a terrible son, to stop grieving so soon is, well, un-son like. I am not honoring my father like I should be, I didn’t really love him after all. I know that sounds silly, and I don’t really believe that but those are some of the feelings that I had today. Because today I really felt good, I felt emotionally stable – able to put things into perspective. I began to wonder… How long are you suppose to grieve? What is proper, long enough for people to know that you cared but not to long to make you look unstable. Is there a guide line? A resource out there to look at? Just so you know I didn’t look for one. I did decide that it is an individual thing. My two older brothers, who were closer to my father than the rest of us will probably grieve longer that I am. I haven’t talked to my younger brother in years so I don’t know how he is reacting (not that I haven’t tried to contact him… the ball is in his court)
I will remember my father with kindness and love. Does that mean that everything he did was great? No, if you read the voice from beyond then you know that even my father admits that he made mistakes. As with all memories we tend to remember the extreme. I am going to try to remember the mediocre. The things that made my dad my dad, the little things like his story telling ability, the way he smiled at things, his love/hate relationship with cats. Those are some of the things I will try to remember. Did I have issues with my father, of course, most of us do at one time or another. Does that mean I loved him any less? no it doesn’t.
I will give you all this piece of advice. Don’t let your pride get in the way of communicating with your parents. I lost several years with my dad and that is one thing I will regret for a long time.